Help Me Understand…

Good afternoon everyone! I am hoping that Thursday is treating you nicely! I have had a CRAZY busy morning! I feel like I have not stopped! ACK! Hopefully this afternoon will settle down a little! 🙂 But I am popping in to tell you a story and get your opinions!

So I have mentioned before that we have the BEST neighbors. We like them all! We are probably the closest with our direct next door neighbors. It is a man (let’s call him John) and wife (we can call her Jane) and they have 4 kids. We love them! I have always noticed that while “John” is very outgoing and always coming over and hanging out, “Jane” is cordial but does not go out of her way to be particularly friendly like she is with other neighbors on the street. I always thought it odd but never thought much of it. Well the other night “John” was chatting with us and mentioned that “Jane” was mad at him for going to the gym. I should pause, to tell you that “John” is in really good shape and is an avid exerciser while “Jane” is not and she is overweight. Okay, so we asked why would she be upset about that? To which “John” responded that she hates it when he works out and they argue about it a lot. Again, we asked why (we’re close with “John” like that…don’t think we were being inappropriate) and he said she just doesn’t like it but never gives him a real reason. So I thought maybe that is why she isn’t  overly friendly with me and Keith…because obviously our lives and jobs revolve around the health and fitness industry. (I am just speculating here…I have no idea if that is true) But, do you think that this is normal thinking when one person is obviously more in shape than their spouse? Is her anger at him really just masked anger at herself? Do you ever get jealous of your partner when they log more workout hours than you do?

I know that was a lot of questions right in a row…but it just got me thinking. I have always been active so I haven’t ever been jealous of Keith when he works out harder or more than I do. But I can kind of get there because I know when I am sick sometimes and can’t work out I do feel somewhat like a slacker next to him. But I can’t ever imagine actually getting mad or in a fight over my husband for working out.

Tell me your thoughts!

Also don’t forget today is the last day to enter my Our Body give-a-way! Winners will be announced tomorrow morning!

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40 Responses

  1. Sounds like she is a very jealous, very insecure person. She probably thinks that John going to the gym is a judgment on how she looks – whether that’s true or not.

  2. Hmmm very interesting. Maybe it’s two-fold. She could be resentful that he’s taking the time to work out and be healthy and she is a bit jealous of that, or could she be jealous of the time he’s spending at the gym rather than at home with her?

  3. She is clearly VERY insecure. It’s true – misery loves company. SO the fact that he doesn’t stay home with her on the couch and eat whatever and gain weight pisses her off. I see this alot in my gym. She isn’t ready to make the committment yet (probably because her weight overwhelms her), and she doesn’t want him to be happy either.

    That would be such a terrible situation to be in!

  4. i definitely think that could harbor some jealousy, maybe if she feels like he’s leaving her to tend to the kids while he goes and works out? maybe she feels stuck and unable to take care of herself? that’s all just speculation, but if that’s the case i would be pretty upset with my spouse for not helping take care of the children and helping me to live a healthier life too…

    • Oh I should have mentioed that the kids are older…2 are in college (they are from her previous marriage) and the other 2 are in middle school.

  5. That’s sad, but I definitely do think that that could be the reason why she would be stand-offish. It’s probably a mix of jealousy, but also insecurity– maybe she feels uncomfortable around y’all because she think that she is being judged or looked down upon (even if she isn’t!!).

    • Of course we don’t judge her! I wish she would work out though because I think she would be happier but maybe not…like I said…I don’t her well at all!

  6. That is really a shame that she’s making him feel bad about working out. It must be an insecurity that she has. I don’t deal with this at all b/c I workout daily and Andrew’s only exercise is disc golf. What I can say is I only WISH Andrew liked to workout like I do because I know he would be so much healthier. I really think that woman is being quite selfish.

  7. That is sad. I think you are totally on par about what is going on here. I used to get upset with my ex-boyfriend cause he would rather go to the gym than hang out with me. He was in fab shape. Anyway, I hope John can work out his issues with Jane – maybe even get her to join him or ask her to join in walking after dinner? Tough one.

  8. it sounds to me like she does not want her hubby to look and feel better than her! so sad……

  9. Interesting. I’d imagine that “Jane” is probably dealing with many emotions – insecurity, guilt – and she projects them onto her husband. I know of a couple that were both overweight and went on a weight loss journey together. The husband was very successful, while the wife struggled. The wife was always bickering with her husband, saying she felt judged by him. From the outside, it appeared that she was frustrated by her own progress. It’s definitely a toughie!

  10. I see a lot of good points above. Insecurity, jealousy, etc. I think it’s easier to be heavy and not feel insecure about it if all the people you are around including the hubby look like you (overweight). But when your neighbors are Mr. and Mrs. Superfit 🙂 and you’re husband is in good shape, too it probably just highlights how out of shape you are.

    My advice to her is to get off your a** and workout, but that may sound a little insensitive. Well, I’m gonna say it anyway. She should look at his lifestyle as inspiration and not try to bring him down to her level just so she isn’t miserable alone. That’s selfish.

  11. I laughed a little because there”s a couple like that who live in my complex. The guy got really serious about getting into shape (and did right before my eyes), but she’s still very much overweight. And she’s just awful to him- she’ll come into the gym at our complex and nag him until he gives up and they both leave and go home.

    I think there’s just resentment there, but she’s too lazy to do anything about it and just finds it easier to bitch…

    That’s kinda sad. And a really crappy situation for the dude.

  12. That’s too bad about your neighbors! It would be good if she would join her hubby at the gym instead of fight about it.

    My boyfriend and I are both pretty active and he supports my goals. There are times he gets mad at me and says I exercise too much. That’s usually when I’m sick or should take a rest day and I’m being stubborn. He does it because he loves me though.

    • Agreed…Keithh is usually nagging me to stop working out so much too! I am stubborn and he is usually the only person who can make me be more realistic! 🙂

  13. Has he always been in this good of shape? (did you mention that already and I totally missed it?)

    • I am not sure…we have lived here almost 3 years and they were here before us. So he has always been in shape since we have known him.

  14. I have never been jealous of my spouse – we usually run together! We used to be on different tracks, but I felt proud of what he did, and when he didn’t feel like it, I didn’t hound him either. It’s his decision.

    Is Jane insecure about her own body?

    • I am not sure how Jane feels about her body? Like I said…she really doesn’t interact with us at all. She just smiles from afar or waves.

  15. Wow she sounds really jealous and insecure. I always think there has to be a story to it. Maybe is she is worried that if he is that in shape, he will want someone the same way? I know when my ex started getting a 6 pack, I started worrying that he would judge my body.

  16. I guess it depends on the situation. Does she stay at home with the kids all day and when he gets home from work he goes straight to the gym instead of giving her two minutes alone? Maybe she wants to go to the gym but someone has to watch the kids so she does it and thinks it’s unfair he goes. I duno, just playing devil’s advocate. I think there could be a lot of reasons that are less obvious.

    Otherwise, maybe she just feels uncomfortable around you guys because you’re in such good shape. Not that that’s your fault or that you can do anything about it.

    Neighborly relations are always so interesting.

    • Oh I should have mentioed that the kids are older…2 are in college (they are from her previous marriage) and the other 2 are in middle school.

  17. is it not that she is mad that he gets to exercise and she has to stay with the kids? and that’s probably why she can’t exercise even if she wanted to? in addition to the jealousy that has been mentioned.

  18. Yep, I bet she doesn’t want him to look better than she does. If she’s overweight and he’s fit, she’s probably worried about losing him to someone in better shape. If he goes to the gym, he’ll keep looking good, and he might even meet some sexy and fit woman there. Insight from an overweight woman 🙂

  19. I don’t know. I’m always the one that’s going to the gym. I think that sometimes Jason gets annoyed (not really) because it’s time that we’re not spending together.

    Maybe she thinks he’d rather go to the gym than be with her?

  20. Hm, that is tough. Perhaps she is feeling envious of you and your husband (as well as her own)…I wonder if “john” tries to encourage her to go with him?

  21. Oh and I never feel jealousy towards my boyfriend when he does active things. I’m actually the “meat head” of the relationship! He’s not a big gym-goer, he likes sports and things like that, so he always does recreational things with his buddy. I love it! I think it’s healthy to have other interests.

  22. This is such a great post Kelly. Yes, I can totally get it. People get jealous…they get mad at their husband or whoever – but ultimately they’re angry because they feel like they should be doing it and wrong for not doing it or wanting to do it…very psychological. You have to do what’s best for you as an individual and not be affected by others.

  23. Hmmm…this is my take on the whole thing. If they have 4 kids their time is probably limited. I never get mad at the husband for wanting to work out or for working out but there are times when there is just no way that both of us can fit in a run on a particular day. Honestly it is kind of hard that we are both runners. On the weekends we both want to fit in a long run and time is limited..during the week can be even worse. So what I wonder is if the husband (neighbor John) is offering her time to her self to work out etc… My guess is that she is envious of the time he gets to himself when he is working out. This is just a guess on my part, being a mother of 3, I can kind of empathize with the whole lack of time for myself thing. I may be way off or it may be some of this with some other issues mixed in. 🙂

  24. That’s insane!! BUT i’ve been there, in John’s place. My ex bf used to HATE it when I worked out. I mean HATE. And I was with him for 4 years and let’s just say, my self-confidence went south. I’m still not sure why he hated it so but I do know that anyone who feels that way about their spouse or others exercising must have some problem with themselves.

  25. saw your comment on nicole’s goodchoices blog about spelt. spelt is a gluten containing grain and since i know youre GF, that’s probably why you cant hang. some people can do spelt but not wheat, but most people if you cant handle gluten, cant handle either. You prob know this already but just giving you a science lesson in case LOL

    • Huh…because everything I have read is that people who are gluten sensitive should be able to eat spelt as a gluten replacement.

  26. That’s really interesting! I (obviously) don’t know your neighbors but it seems to be a very sensitive issue with people who do not exercise. It seems that they feel attacked and judge right away but most of it may be a self induced… I don’t know.. I posted a couple articles on a different blog (with very different demographic) on childhood obesity and the reactions were stunning (not in a good way) people were extremely defensive about it when all I did was ask their opinion…

  27. […] by Kloé I was reading an article that Kelly posted and it made me want to share this with you. I don’t know if it’s […]

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