I Don’t Need No Baby Drama

Okay…so I have to vent! Hold on to your seats peeps because I am H-O-T! So a woman asked me today when Keith and I were going to have kids. I get this question A LOT! Keith and I have been married going on 4 years and I know that is a natural question to ask.

[BACKGROUND] But here’s the truth, I am not sure we are. It isn’t that I don’t love kids! I do! I just am not 100% sure I want my own. I am not so much the “mothering” type and the idea of children really SCARES me. But, I am only 28 and I feel like I still have time to make that decision. I don’t feel like I have to make it today or even tomorrow. Keith would love children, but also respects the fact that I am not sure I want them.  He is okay with it either way and we have basically decided to table the discussion until I am 30 and then we will see where we are.

Okay…back to my story. So the sweet lady asks when Keith and I will be having children. Since I get this question a lot I have my answer down pat and I usually just laugh and say, “I’m not sure, we’re not ready just yet.” But pushy lady keeps going with, “but you are going to have them, right?” I falter and say, “Well, I’m not really sure. We may not.” And now bitchy lady looks at me and says, “Well if you don’t have kids then I feel sorry for you. That is just sad. What was the point in getting married, then?” My reaction: jaw-dropped, speechless (yes me…speechless) staring at really bitchy lady.

HOLY COW! WHAT?!?! Since when was the only point in getting married to have kids? And what, she feels sorry for me? EXCUSE ME?!? I don’t even know what to say. How insensitive? What if we couldn’t have children? Would she still feel like it was a waste of a marriage? And who is she to judge me? I think that if more people actually put some thought into what being a parent actually meant there would be a lot less children in this world! I feel like I am being mature and not falling into the mold society has set for me by actually admitting that (GASP) I may not want children. But does that make me a horrible person? Does that make me less of a wife? Does that make my marriage pointless? How dare she judge me based on a decision that I may or may not make?! Okay…I’m done. Feel much better! Can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

How do you deal with rude people?

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37 Responses

  1. so i just stumbled across your blog, and had to comment at how hilarious (and insanely rude) that lady was…i got a good chuckle out of it, but definitely feel for you. what business is it of hers?!? anyways, im having fun reading past entries now. so yeah, just wanted to say hi!

  2. Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should have went OFF on her! How RUDE! It amazes me how people think they can just say whatever they want!!!! NO, your not a bad person if you decide to not have children. People get on my nerves!!! Glad you got that off your chest!
    From Julie in Texas, a mother of 2.

    • Thank you Julie! That makes me feel even better that you think that AND you have 2 kids! I think women who are parents are AMAZING and I am truly in awe of them but thanks for making me feel okay if I decide not to be one!

      • i agree! i think it shows maturity and grace that you’re taking the time to really think about such a big decision. kids are not a mandatory part of anyone’s life or a marriage at all!

  3. Wow! I can’t believe someone would go that far! Amazing! You have lots of time to move into parenthood, if you choose to do so.

  4. OH RUDE!!!!!! First of all, it is NONE of her business!!! And then to continue to ask you questions – that is very personal and such a sensitive issue for some. I know for me, I actually do want children and have been trying for 9 months now. We haven’t been able to conceive and if someone kept asking me about it, I think I’d be an emotional mess.

    You don’t need to defend yourself to ANYONE. It is your life and honestly, if you truly don’t feel ready for kids, you are making the best decision to wait. You have plenty of time if you do end up deciding to have them. You GO Kelly!!

  5. I would have been fuming too! Where did you run into this woman? I feel sorry for HER that she has such a narrow view on life and can’t respect the choices of others when they differ from her own.

  6. You should have gotten all sad and told her that you’ve been trying for years but you just found out you can’t. Then she’d feel bad about prying and judging!

    I get that a lot from my husband’s side of the family. They all married very young (one sibling at 20, the other at 23). I have three adorable nephews (and two more babies on the way) from all of it, but I also have pressure to keep up–or at least start having kids. We try to brush off questions as jokes but I can’t help coming away from it all thinking I’m somehow behind. Then I look at all my friends and family and the pressure goes away. I’m only 27!

  7. We get people like that all the time. If you ask enough questions you might find that they are not really happy with themselves and/or their family…and want some company in their misery. You handled it well…I have a real dark side and would likely have verbally sliced her to pieces…she wouldn’t have known what hit her.

    Many couples all over the world have chosen not to have children and are living full lives. No one else can tell you what is best for you. Especially someone who knows nothing about you.

    You and Keith will make YOUR decision when the time is right for YOU and everyone else can mind their own business.

  8. What a horrible person she is. No one has the right to force you to defend any decision or to make you feel badly about it!

  9. What?? Did you even know this woman? Seriously, wtf? It’s none of her business. People get married because they love one another and want to spend their entire lives together too, not just because they want to have kids.

    I would have been steaming too.

  10. Are you friggin serious? What an ignorant asshole. You, unlike many people in society, are actually taking time to figure out what you want. Props to you sister.

  11. OH wow, that was RUDE! YOu are definitely being mature. I think society just pushes it SO MUCH, you have to really (in heart) want to be a mother. NO pressure, just focus on being a great wife like you are!

  12. I totally feel you. My husband and I have been married 9+ years (together at total of 15). I’m 35 and people act like I’m freaking crazy b/c I don’t have kids yet (and probably won’t). I don’t have any advice other than to ignore those people.

  13. That is unbelievable. I don’t really understand the whole stigma about not wanting to have children. What is wrong with it? Whenever I say I’m not sure if I want to have kids ppl look at me like I’m crazy.

  14. Wow. I’m speechless too! What a rude, rude lady. How dare she suggest that marriges are pointless if you don’t have children. A husband and wife w/o kids are just as much a family as a husband and wife with kids. I think people assume that if you don’t want kids you hate them. I’m not in a relationship or even close to it, and I know right now that I’m on the fence about kids. Raising someone and molding their life is a huge responsibility!

    I never ask people that question because what if they can’t have kids? I’d feel like such a jerk.

  15. Some people just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut. I don’t know what makes people think they have the right to judge others.

    On another note, were you reading Self magazine for the articles or drooling over Keri??? 🙂

  16. Oh my gosh! Seriously?!?! Did she have like 10 children or something? That is yours and Keith’s decision and you do what you want. Why have a child just to have one? Thats why we have so many problem children (&teens) today! I get tired of that question too though, and we have only been married a year and half.

  17. Oh my gosh– what is SAD is that woman feeling like it’s okay to pass judgment on someone she doesn’t even know. Where on EARTH do people get off?!?

    And don’t worry– people bug me about this too, and my hub and I haven’t even had our one year anniversary yet.

    As if there aren’t enough babies in the world right now, right? Geez!

  18. OMG. That is so rude! Kids are not for everyone. I can say that I don’t necessarily WANT kids but I don’t NOT want kids either. If I have them, I have them. If I don’t I think my life will still be wonderful. She has no right to judge you!

    I agree with Anna above me. There are sooo many babies in the world. I don’t think people should have kids just because they feel like they are “supposed to.” It’s not fair to the kid and definitely not fair to you.

  19. UGH! WE get this ALL the time because my husband is 10 years older. It is so rude.

  20. Gaahh! I would have screamed…or cried. Probably cried, that’s how I deal with anger. I get this question once a week, at least. Why do people think they get to weigh in on life choices like children?

  21. I think steam would have been coming out of my ears!!! I probably would have told her that I couldn’t have kids to make her feel bad. Awful, I know, but she was the one who was nasty first.

  22. Ugh…I feel for you. I get this ALL the time. My response is Mike and I don’t NEED kids to keep our marriage happy. I always said once i’m 30 if I don’t have any then I don’t…now i’m 34 so none for me.

    Plus the world is getting worse every year and I don’t want my kids to live in it!

  23. Wow…I always wonder how those kind of people find the audacity just to spew whatever crosses their mind right out of their mouth. You didn’t say, but I would guess she was an older woman who maybe only got married because that was the expectation for women then. Children should add a completely new dimension to a marriage not complete it. I didn’t always want kids, but when I fell in love with Mike I did.

    I think it is extremely admirable that you are willing to carefully consider the decision on whether or not you and Keith do want children. You two are a family and don’t let any crazy old woman make you think differently. If a marriage is a waste because there are no children then it was just a mistake. You should not get married just to have children. You do have plenty of time to decide and you would make a great mother! But don’t think for a second that you are not complete as a person. You are already a great woman, wonderful wife, beloved daughter, treasured sister, and a good friend. Being a mother would not make you a whole person, it would just be another added assett.

    • Thank you so much Stepanie…I appreciate that so much!! You almost made my cry! 🙂 And yes she was an older lady…you are right in that assumption.

  24. WOW! I can’t believe that woman. I never experienced anything that bad but I’ve gotten my share of questions about babies. I’m 34 and I NEVER felt like I wanted children – until recently. I don’t think kids are for everyone and I think people should only have children only if they really want them – not just because society says it’s “normal”. What normal? Honestly, I never thought I would want to have kids but I just recently changed my mind. I found a fella who would make a GREAT dad and he wants kids. He’s the most phenomenal man I have ever met and I feel totally safe with him. I’m still not the type of person to go “gu-gu-ga” when I see a baby but I look at it differently now. I think of it as an interesting challenge. My goal is to complete the Madison Ironman in September and then start trying to get pregnant. I figure if I can do an Ironman, I should be able to have a baby, right? I’ve heard this same story a lot from other women. Something about the middle 30’s make women change their minds about babies. I just wish everyone would butt-out of every else’s life! Babies aren’t for everyone and people can have a very happy fulfilled life without them.

  25. hi kelly, i’m a new reader (this week) and i am LOVING your blog! i made bbq chicken and potatoes the same night you posted your recipe because i happened to have everything on hand. SO YUMMY! i’m training for my first marathon and came across your blog after searching related items. it has been so helpful. thank you.

    anyway, i wanted to pipe in here even though you’ve moved on from this topic already.

    the best (worst) thing about people like this is their assumption that your life circumstances are not chosen or thought out. i CANNOT stand this.

    i have three kids (i am also 28 and have been married for 10 years in november!), raising them is difficult beyond description. i love them dearly but i also would never bat an eye at someone’s choice to not have children. that choice makes PERFECT sense to me. it’s not that being a parent isn’t fulfilling because it is for me. but, i think any intelligent person can make the most with what they’re given or what they take from life and i think there are a gazillion ways to live a fulfilling life that doesn’t include dirty diapers, no sleep and constant worry.

  26. Ugh- people can be so judgemental! Sorry you have to deal with that.

    I’m the last girl in my class from high school to get married- and not even dating anyone. So when I go back home, I get alot of the, “don’t worry Amy, one day this will be you, too.” Do I look worried? I’m f-ing fantastic. I really hope that isn’t me one day, actually… Just because I don’t fit in the cookie-cutter mold of everyone else, doesn’t mean I’m any less happy!

    Sorry- I just had a moment…. lol. But yeah, totally sympathize! (obviously) 🙂

  27. I would’ve been SOOO mad.

    I’m not married (or engaged YET), but I’m in the same mindset. I think I want kids, maybe someday… But I don’t really know. I want to get married, but I don’t know if I’m the mothering type either. Everyone is different and having kids doesn’t have to be the ultimate life goal.

  28. wow! I cant believe she just pressed on and on!!!

    Judgemental people are the worst. I would have just said thanks for your opinion and walked away and leave her be. Nothin you say will make her change her mind or be any nicer to you.

  29. Yeah, that was definitely over the line. We waited five years before getting pregnant and got the same line of questioning from our families too (although not quite as direct or rude as you experienced).

    Family planning is obviously a very personal decision and it’s different for everyone. I’ve seen too many people rush into having kids shortly after getting married or accidentally get knocked up and then try to make a relationship work.

    You both deserve a lot of respect for choosing to thoughtfully navigate your choice. I fear you’re in the minority nowadays. Be proud of yourselves and the decisions you make that are the best for you!

  30. It amazes me what people will say to each other!
    I too have been married going on four years, and get asked the kids questions alot, ESPECIALLY since my sister-in-law just had a baby (two days ago!). Neither my husband nor I, know if we want to have kids! We both love kids, but just don’t feel like now is the time, and aren’t sure when and if that time will come.

    My SIL and her husband are both in their 30’s and used to get rude comments too, someone once said to her that it was “selfish” of her not to have kids yet!

  31. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! This has been a decision that I have definitely struggled with and it feels so good to have the support for all of you guys! 🙂

  32. Wow. I can not BELIEVE she said that to you. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the Carolyn Hax advice column but this comes up constantly. Apparently, MOST people in this world don’t know what constitutes THEIR business.

    When I was in high school, I was convinced I never wanted children. In fact, I’ve felt that way mostly my whole life and have only now begun to question/think it through. IN HIGH SCHOOL, my friend’s mom starts giving me a hard time and saying “I’ll never know true joy.” Bleh.

  33. Hi Kelly-
    I have been reading your blog now for awhile and my husband has been enjoying me making your creations! We have an 8yr daughter and before I got pregnant w/ her I was told by many doctors ” I would never have kids”. I was not the mothering type either and pretty much figured that is what God intended for me. Well, on the eve of turning 30, Bella was born. Total life changer, let me tell you! I had a really hard pregnancy and delivery and we decided that Bella would be our only child after that experience! I still get 2 comments ALL the time ” WHAT! You are not having any more children? That is so selfish of you, poor Bella!” I usually shut them up by telling them I cannot have any more children, and that usually shuts them up quickly. Also, since my own daughter looks nothing like me ( my husband is hispanic, I am not, she is a carbon copy of Daddy, me red hair, pale skin), random strangers will ask me if I am the nanny! That one I think is still my fav!

    I have learned to roll with it. I feel very blessed to have her in our lives, and she loves hiking, biking, running, swimming with us. I have also not one day regretted having or trying for more than one! When we get that “urge” it usually leads to a new kitten! People never surprise me anymore at what comes out of their mouth, you just have to learn to roll with it and laugh!

  34. Haha, well you know my take on the whole subject. Sorry you had to run into someone so rude!!

    PS – GO COLTS!!

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