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Okay on a serious note…I need some good old-fashioned blogger advice from the people I have come to respect, admire and believe in! ”Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” and I wish it were as simple as the lyrics from a Carpenter’s song. But it never is…is it? Whether you are breaking up from a lover, a friend, a job, etc…it is hard, painful and overall pretty cruddy! But how do you know when it is time to break up?
I guess I should start by saying I am NOT talking about me and Keith! Good gosh…NEVER! No, I am talking about a friendship that I feel like is no longer working and all together causing me more harm than good. I think deep down this friend is a good person but maybe just not good for me. I fear that over the course of a few years this relationship has become toxic to me and toxic to my well-being. By toxic, I mean it negatively affects me. Here are the emotions I feel when I am around this individual:
- anger: I am instantly angry and put off as soon as I am around her
- negativity: No matter how positive the atmosphere is as soon as she enters the room the entire change in my attitude abruptly shifts to negativity
- I fantasize about all the things I want to say to her: how she has hurt me, recount the unbelievable things she has said to me, point out how she has used me, lied to me, taken advantage….
But in her defense, can she be the only one to blame? I mean I ALLOWED this to happen! I allowed her to do this to me! I firmly believe that no one can take away your power over how you feel unless you let them! So, am I just as much to blame as she is. I never stood up for myself, never said stop, never interjected my opinion! I believe it is human nature to test the waters to see what you can/can not get away with. I think we all do it, everyday, and we learn out limits and our boundaries. Be is work, friendships, rules, relationships, etc. So maybe she never even realized consciously how she was being and because I never stood up and said NO she doesn’t actually see her behavior for what it is: appalling! My husband, co-workers, friends, family have all been amazed at what I have put up with but yet they were guilty of never saying anything to me either. It wasn’t until I started to slowly make comments about how unhappy I was that the floodgates opened and everyone (and I mean everyone) had a story about how much they disliked this friend of mine.
So this brings me back to my original question: how do you break up with a friend? It isn’t like breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend. Or is it? I can’t just walk away without any explanation because she would never know what happened. She would never understand. Don’t I owe her the basic decency of a real conversation in which I firmly yet respectfully walk away? I want to leave the bigger person, the better person. I guess I am just lost. I spend WAY too much time obsessing over this…yet…if I end the friendship it won’t be over. This is a friend that runs in my circle and we see one another ALL THE TIME. So this could get awkward. I feel like I am in high school. Do high school “dramas” ever end or do just they just continue with the circumstances and issues become more adult? Do I just ignore it and try to remove myself from situations where she will be or do I formally say enough?!
Have you ever had to officially end a friendship? Was it worth it?
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